tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 4, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
colbert is up next. our next news last is at 4:30. >> have a great night and we will see you tomorrow! i think the relationship with mexico is phenomenal. phenomenal. phenomenal. phenomenal ♪ do-do .>> phenomenal. phenomenal ♪ do-do-do ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> phenomenal ♪ do-do-do >> phenomenal. >> phenomenal. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes louis c.k. ernie johnson, jr. and musical guest father john misty. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. let me ask you something-- do you guys remember when donald trump was elected president because he sure does. earlier today, donald trump addressed a group of builders' unions, and to prove he was a builder, he spent a lot of the speech just building up his ego. >> remember they said because the electoral college is very, very hard, they say almost impossible for a republican to win.
the odds are stacked, and they would say there's no way to 270. you need 270. they're saying there was no way to 270, but there was a way to 306. wasn't that an exciting one? you know, places that nobody expects-- "donald trump has won the state of michigan!" they go "what?" "donald trump has won the state of wisconsin." they came out of the blue. and we didn't even need 'em! >> stephen: "remember five months ago when people liked me? remember that? i didn't need 'em. don't need 'em now which is good, because nobody like me now. nobody likes me. i don't-- i don't--." ( cheers and applause ) and like all the greatest presidential speeches, trump spent half of it taking roll call. >> just look at the amazing talent assembled here. we have iron workers, insulators.
ha-ha, never changes, does it, with the iron workers. now let's hear it, laborers. ( applause ) painters. ( applause ) fitters. ( applause ) plumbers. ( applause ) operators! ( applause ) >> stephen: wow, what a cheap way to get a response from a crowd. am i right, new york? ( cheers and applause ) the pander express. the pander express. all right. right-handers? right-handers? ( cheers and applause ) left-handers? left-handers? ( cheers and applause ) blondes ( cheers and applause ) brunettes? ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) trump voters? >> woooo!!!! >> stephen: good for you! good for you, sir!
don't you change. you let your freak flag fly. you be you, girl! can we get a shot of this guy? a very brave man right there. i love you. don't we love this guy! thank you for your service! ( laughter ) by the way, all those jobs that trump named in his speech? they've all been given to jared kushner. another story going around the news-o-sphere is about former national security adviser and person who thought she was done with this crap, susan rice. because you know how all the u.s intelligence sources are saying that they intercepted conversations between foreign officials-- for instance, the russians and members of the trump campaign? well, "bloomberg" is reporting that rice asked for those trump people's names to be unmasked. you know what that means?
i hope. because no one really knows what that means. there are different interpretations of what that means. republicans say this means that trump was right when he claimed that obama wiretapped him. rand paul tweeted, "smoking gun found! obama pal and noted dissembler susan rice said to have been spying on trump campaign." oooh, "dissembler." ( laughter ) fancy language, senator. "i will duel you at dawn, you charlatan, you mountebank, you mendacious flim-flamming dissembler! bring a pistol and a thesaurus." good day! tat-tat. but here's what it also means: it means intelligence agencies were eavesdropping on shady foreign officials and incidentally picked up conversations they had with americans. would you like to know which americans? the national security adviser did.
so she asked to have their names unmasked, and experts say that's likely within the law. boom. ( laughter ) it's just more of the constant drip, drip of revelations of rampant law following. ( laughter ) here's what else it means: there are only two reasons the national security adviser is allowed to unmask someone: because the intelligence can not be understood without knowing the identity of the american, or because they have "probable cause that criminal conduct was involved." so trump is going after susan rice by saying, "my team wasn't talking to russia. if they were, then how come susan rice caught my team talking to the russians? there's your scandal." all right? convene the tribunal. ( cheers and applause ) those are the only two possibilities. that's it. i think trump got the idea that unmaskers are the real criminals from this classic episode of "scooby-doo."
>> now, let's see who the russian collaborator really is. oooh! michael flynn! >> wasn't that obvious? even i knew that. >> you're under arrest. >> that's right. it's over, flynn. >> no, i mean you're under arrest. all of you. shaggy, scooby, velma, the hot one. take them away! >> like, they're the ones who committed treason. >> save it for the judge. unmasking is a serious crime. >> but i'm too pretty for jail. >> ruh-row. >> they arrested everybody! we've got to get out of here! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: gotta love the globetrotters i missed globetrotters. >> jon: i do, too. >> stephen: and we know trump people were talking to the russians. yesterday, we learned that in january, blackwater founder and high school football captain who "definitely wasn't there!" erik prince set up a secret meeting to "establish a back channel between trump and
moscow." why does donald trump need a back channel to moscow? if he wants to communicate with putin, just email the d.n.c. or maybe a little pillow talk with michael flynn. now, i know what you're saying: "a trump associate meeting in secret with russians? am i watching a rerun?" nope. and i'll prove it. congratulations, north carolina! ( cheers and applause ) apparently, the united arab emirates arranged a secret meeting in january between erik prince and a russian close to president vladimir putin in the seychelles islands in the indian ocean. it's the perfect location. government officials in the seychelles say the islands are ideal for clandestine gatherings because "its the kind of place where you can have a good time away from the eyes of the media. that's even printed in our tourism marketing." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) this is true. it's true.
>> jon: wow, they put it in the book. >> stephen: it's right there in their slogan: "the seychelles: come for the sunshine, stay for the treason." i gotta say. i would love to go. i would love to go. at this point. ( cheers and applause ) i gotta say, if you're going to play footsie with putin, this is doing it right: a tropical location, a shadowy russian operative, a secret army named blackwater! they've even given the meeting a cool name, "the seychelles encounter." erik prince will be back in "the seychelles encounter." ♪ ♪ ( applause ) pow! pow! pow! ( laughter ) michael flynn must be so jealous right now. all he did was meet with in an office building with ambassador chunks. ( laughter ) oh, there's also news from the first lady.
or in donald trump's case, the third lady. she's lovely! yesterday, melania trump-- yesterday, melania trump tweeted her official portrait. i gotta say, she looks absolutely lovely. she's poised. she's confident. i will say, the black is a little severe. she looks like the head mistress of a school for teenage witches. "hocus flotus," coming this fall to the cw! saved by the spell! i didn't see the subtitle. i didn't see the subtitle. one other thing worth noting-- check out that bling! that's the kind of ring that you only get when your husband has done something unspeakable. ( laughter ) honey, "honey, i was just on a bus with billy bush. you'll understand later." now, people say this portrait looks photoshopped, but i say so
what? we all want to look nice. all the first ladies' portraits have been airbrushed. just look at eleanor roosevelt's portrait? incredible, amazing. amazing. hey, anybody ever go in the environment, ever. ( cheers and applause ) do you occasionally go out of doors? >> jon: i love the environment! >> stephen: i'm something of an outdoorsman, in that i occasionally go out of doors. i wouldn't recommend it in the near future abuse donald trump is slashing the e.p.a.'s budget. but head of the e.p.a. and guy who calls pants "slacks," scott pruitt, doesn't see these cuts as bad for the environment. they're good for states. >> you know, we have state departments of environmental quality across the country that have the resources and the expertise to deal with clean water and clean air issues. >> stephen: scott, you can't leave environmental issues up to the states. as someone who works next to new jersey, i can tell you, air travels.
it's got a fast pass. is that true? that's true. i'm being told that's right. but even the most noxious cloud has a silver lining because yesterday, during his afternoon press conference, sean spicer revealed donald trump is donating his entire first quarter salary to the national parks service. it is a nice change of pace to see trump pay the settlement money before the screwing. ( laughter ) trump had already told us he was going to donate his salary, but i don't think any of us knew it would happen like this. >> so, it is my pleasure, on behalf of the president of the united states, to present a check for $78,333 to the secretary of the interior ryan zinke, and superintendent of the harper's ferry park site, superintendent brandyburg. >> stephen: what has happened to sean spicer? jim, can we put that up? look how tiny he is. did they leave him in the dryer too long?
this job is really grinding him down, starting from the shins up, i think. now, the check was for $78,333. which sounds like a large donation, until you consider that trump's proposed budget would cut the national parks service by $1.5 billion. that budget cut explains the look on the face of black jeff goldblum. ( laughter ) ( applause ) a little bit! that... mmm. mmm. that's the official face of meeting sean spicer. he looks like he thinks that check is going to bounce. you got two forms of i.d. before i sign this thing? now, this is true. we did the math before i came out here. $78,000 sounds like a lot of money. $78,000 is 5/1000 of 1% of what
trump is cutting from the park service, which explains their new p.s.a. >> hey, kids, smolder the bear here saying only you can prevent forest fires. but you can also start them, because we need to burn these parks down for the insurance money! >> stephen: we have a great show tonight. louis c.k. is here! stick around. liberty mutual stood with us when a fire destroyed the living room. we were able to replace everything in it. liberty did what? liberty mutual paid to replace all of our property that was damaged. and we didn't have to touch our savings. yeah, our insurance won't do that.
well, there goes my boat. you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. liberty stands with you™ liberty mutual insurance with motionsense technology... degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine... power... footwork... range... the more i move, the more it works. degree. it won't let you down. and that doesn't happen every by accident - it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. almost as long as it took me to master this look. ♪ still practicing. it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. there's more behind the star.
drop and give me 50. what's in it for me? sir! excuse me! well, thanks to hotels.com i've gotten used to being rewarded. that's right. what did you just say private? he's a captain, sir! a captain? where? on tv. following orders isn't always rewarding. but hotels.com is. who are you talking to? unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. hotels.com. are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®.
dance their dance. jon, real quick. real quick. we've got a great guest coming out here in just one second but before we do that, i want to ask you a question, what are you going to be doing tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m. >> jon: or that morning. >> stephen: tomorrow morning at on "cbs this morning" our friend gayle king is going to have the first interview with ivanka trump since her father became president of the united states. >> jon: have to check that out. >> stephen: have to check that out. and i'm sure ivanka will be stopping by. we have one guy up here who voted for her dad. it will be great. it will be fantastic. she'll come by here. my first guest is an emmy and grammy-winning comedian who has released his seventh hour-long comedy special. please welcome my former boss, louis c.k.! ( cheers and applause )
♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: hi. >> hi. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you. that's very nice of you, thank you. >> stephen: it's really nice to see you. >> it's nice to see you, too. >> stephen: we've seen each other-- what i was explaining before when i said you were my boss, for the people who don't know, you were the head writer of the "dana carvey show" in '84. >> '96, 5. >> stephen: something like that. i was one of the cast members. a long time ago. >> geez, holy moly that was a long time ago. >> stephen: it really was, yeah, yeah. >> upper like-- i remember, you
weren't of this world to me. you were like -- >> stephen: what do you mean? >> i just had never seen anybody that looks like you. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i think i look average. >> well now you're stephen colbert. you're king of the late night. you're a big shot. ( cheers and applause ) that's right. you're number one. you're the top of the charts. but at the time, you were just this very weird-looking dude who-- ( laughter ) and you had this-- you were like, "hi!" like you were -- >> stephen: i was socialized is what you mean. >> no, you were like an alien who studied human behavior-- ( laughter ) and got close but didn't quite get there. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you're describing a sociopath. >> no, no. >> stephen: like i could murder you and my heart rate wouldn't go up >> like the next version of human. >> stephen: i'm an x-man. >> that's right well, you know-- yeah. >> stephen: well, i knew you-- this was-- i knew you back then. it was an amazing group of people. for the people who don't know,
it had the great louis c.k. on it. robert smigel, the insult comic dog, charlie kaufman. steve carell. >> you were the steves. when we were casting the show it was you and steve carell. upper the steve s. >> stephen: and neither one of us thought we would get the gig because we were sure you were going to hire the other guy and you can't have both of us. >> and we decided to go-- we talked about "the steves." that's what we talked about. and you were a funny pair. you were a weird, funny pair. he looked like every man, and you looked like no people. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: i'm-- i'm trying hard to make this feel like a compliment. >> no treally is. it is. you're a remarkable person. you're just unusual. >> stephen: we have a clip here- - we have a clip here-- >> freak. go ahead. that was mean on purpose. >> stephen: i was thinner. we have a clip here of one of the many-- it was a sketch show, and a great fun sketch show that
was stressful. >> yes, it was hard to work on it was painful. >> stephen: we have a story to tell but let's show the clip first. this is a clip of commercial for a bright new future for the world. >> right. >> stephen: and you and i are both in it. see if you can find us in this commercial. >> the wonder of technology, improving our daily lives at the breakneck pace. as the millennium approaches new wonders awake us in our tech no- future. the common shirt will come equipped with a meter that tells you how many times you've worn it. no more needless wondering. it's right there for you to read. developments in genetic engineering will create a new kind of fish that breathes air. they will make excellent house pets. ( laughter ) finally, new glasses will be developed to block out everything but swarms of bees. no danger today, and none tomorrow in the techno future.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how could that get canceled? >> i know. that's robert smigel's voice. i remember the day we shot you with the fish. >> stephen: yeah. >> we had-- it was a live carp, and we kept it in a barrel, and it was alive in there, because we wanted it to flop around. >> stephen: yeah. >> i mean, i'm ashamed now. but-- ( laughter ) at the time, nobody knew that fish are, you know, very important people. ( laughter ) and now we know. but -- >> stephen: what is the statute of limitations for cruelty to trout? >> yeah, i don't know. i don't know. i mean, look, if i did something wrong, i'm ready. ( laughter ). >> stephen: real quick, though, i do want to tell this one story. it was a really stressful show. we were canceled. let's put that-- >> that's right. >> stephen: we were canceled at seven shows. aift them were made, seven of them were broadcast. >> right. >> stephen: i'm very proud of it. i thought it was funny? >> it was a funny show. >> stephen: you were a head writer. it was a stressful situation to be in.
>> i was 26 years old so i was a little over my head. >> stephen: wow, rockin' that lemon yellow sweater. i think it was after the very first show we where dana was breast feeding puppies and kittens dressed as bill clinton. >> with milk spurting out of it. >> stephen: and people operating bulbs with milk-- >> and real live puppies and kitten s. >> stephen: it didn't go well. i come around a corner and we had all these little offices and i come around the corner, and you're in the middle of the hallway openly weeping. >> i remember crying, right. >> stephen: do you remember why? >> i went into your-- they had these little stalls for quick changing. i was in your stall -- >> stephen: i dragged you into the stall because i thought it wouldn't be good for the head writer to be openly weeping between two shows. >> in the middle of the hallway. >> stephen: between two shows so i dragged you in and did pratfalls for you to make you laugh. >> you made me laugh. that's when i fell in love with stephen until that moment i thought he was an alien who had come-- laugh and then that day--
it was a terrible day. sketch comedy is stressful. it's weird that it is, but sketch comedy is a very difficult thing to do. >> stephen: it's harder than anything. it's like writing sonnets. every single one has a beginning, midexpel end. >> that's right. >> stephen: and it's over in three to eight minutes and you to go another. >> it was very stressful and i was shaking and crying and i didn't really know you very well. and you said, "come on." and you took me into your little room. >> stephen: yeah. >> and you opened your pants i don't know why. ( laughter ). >> stephen: got a laugh, though. that's why. got a laugh. exactly. >> no, you were just very kind to me. you were very kind to me. stephen you were very kind-- you can tell by listening to him talk. >> stephen: you're a very kind person, too. you're very sweet. should i go to a break? who is this mean, take a break? we'll take a break and be back with more louis c.k. stick around.
i've been with starbucks now 9 years. i've been retired for 11. one day my wife came home and said, "you're driving me crazy." so, i figured ok, well as much coffee as i drink in my life starbucks was a logical place to work. when i first heard of cold brew i was like, "we got iced coffee, why are we doing this?" until i drank it. cold brew, you coarse grind it. and let it sit for 20 hours in cold water. it really is very smooth. i'm hooked. i love it.
sir? you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? yes. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? nope. with the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. backed by the service and security of american express. get play proof kid's gearhl'ses with no annual fee. built for springtime fun like jumping beans dresses for only $12 $7 mix and match tops and bottoms and carter's sandals $19.99. you'll get kohl's cash too. play proof guarantee only at kohl's.
>> stephen: we're back here, ladies and gentlemen, we're back here with the lovely and talented louis c.k. now, louis, you're not a particularly political person. you get into a lot of political humor. but you did email your fans last year. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you said, "donald trump was an insane bigot and hitler. >> yeah. >> stephen: you did say that. >> di. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: but then you said-- hold on. hold on. don't jump on the train he got off because you said, "you will regret it." why do you regret it? you've said worse things and not taken them back. >> don't take it back. i regret it. there's a difference. >> stephen: what is the difference? >> i regret saying it. it doesn't mean it's not true. it's a messy thing, you know,. >> stephen: sure. >> it's how i was feeling at the time. and i said it to a lot-- it just was more people than i thought were going to read it. i have a little email lists --
>> stephen: you have hundreds of thousands of people on your email list. >> yes, but that's not that many. it turned into this thing, and the next day i was on the "daily news" cover with my face and trump's face and it says, "he's hitler." and i'm like, "oh, god! that's not-- that's not what i do for a living. that's not what i'm trying to accomplish. i didn't expect that. i regret it, although i wouldn't take it back. if you went back and fixed all the mistakes you made you would erase yourself. there's no point to that. >> stephen: you said you felt that way at the time. do you feel differently. >> now i guess he's not as profound as i thought he was. i thought he was a new kind of evil. but he's just a lying sang of (bleep). it's just simple. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, it's -- >> stephen: cover of "the daily news." cover of "the daily news" tomorrow. >> it's not as big-- it's not as simpler-- it's simpler than i
thought. he's-- you know-- like, there are liars. sometimes people lie. "that guy lied. they found out he lied." and then there is somebody whoalize once in a while, can't quite stay in the bound reas of truth. somebody whoalize sometimes. then you have a liar who is somebody-- it's like a problem. you know, they can't help it. they lie a lot. and then you just have lying sack of (bleep). and that's just somebody who-- they just lie. they like it. he likes it. he goes, "ha! wasn't even true. wasn't even true. and then i said they were liars." like, it's just an insane-- it's just gross. he's just a groarks crook, dirty, rotten, lying, sack of (bleep). that's how i feel. ( cheers and applause ) and that's-- all right. not a-- louis. >> not a courageous position in this room so much. >> stephen: louis, there's a guy who voted for him up there.
>> no, look, and he's the victim of the lying. i mean, look -- >> stephen: that guy right there. >> that's the guy he lied to. he didn't lie to me. >> stephen: and we love him, right? >> he lied to him. he didn't lie to me. everybody else was like, "no, that's not true." but that guy bought it. ( laughter ) so he's the victim of the lying. >> stephen: that's a very generous way to look at this. >> well, i don't-- you know. it's not a political position. it's just when you look at somebody you go, "that guy's a lying sack of (bleep)." it's simple. it's what the guy is. it's refreshing in a way to see somebody who lies so much. so often you think, "i can't tell--" >> i don't think his name is donald trump. i don't know what color his hair is. i don't know what color his skin is. i don't know how much money he has. >> when he walks in a room, i say, "nah! you're not walking with your legs! get out of here."
don't you want god to show up and say, i'm just kidding," like about everything. i just wish he would. >> stephen: that would be nice. about so many things, though. >> the good news is he's one guy. he's one guy. >> stephen: hiring a lot of people, though. >> yeah, but can one guy do everything? on the flip side, obama was wonderful, i loved him, and then-- but half of chicago shot the other half of chicago while he was president. and we bombed a bunch of weddings in yemen. we sent them, like a present, like they registered for a drone at every wedding there. you didn't like that so much. no clapping there. >> stephen: the danger is identifying yourself with the person in power because they're always going to disappoint you. >> yeah, that's right, that's right. i don't know, i wish people would show up and do-- do-- do something. it's boring to vote. it's really boring. >> stephen: really? they have the bake sales and everything. >> but you have to stand in line and stuff. people don't want to do it, and it's a shame because-- here's
the way i look at it-- people that don't dnt vote, right. they said, "i didn't want to." that's their thing. "i didn't like hillary." they didn't even show up to give him an opposite congress. they didn't show up for that. they didn't want to. voting isn't something you do because up to the. you don't look at it like what do i want. how i do feel? you say, "what will happen if i don't. what will happen if i do?" that's called being an adult. "what will happen. what's my responsibility here? what will be the outcome?" ( applause ) an election is bigger than your little taste-- no, it's a much bigger deal than that. the whole thing is going to cave if newer not careful. >> stephen: yeah. >> but in one year, they have a chance to give him some people to contend with. >> stephen: maybe so, maybe so, one year from now. do you vote? >> yes, sure. >> stephen: me, too, me, too. well, listen. >> don't know what else to say. >> well, louis. remember how great this started
say hello to at&t's best, unlimited data deal ever. it's a total game-changer. so now the whole family can binge,... ...surf, shop, navigate, listen, game, stream and more. all without the hassle of worrying about overages... ...or running out of data. it's less than $40 per line per month with 4 lines. and remember, it's at&t's best, unlimited data deal ever. so get at&t, get unlimited and get everyone more for less. [whistle] hi. ♪
get up to 50% off all dresses. women's from 15 bucks. girls' from 10. hi, fashion. old navy. with e*trade's powerful trading tools, right at your fingertips, you have access to in-depth analysis, level 2 data, and a team of experienced traders ready to help you if you need it. ♪ ♪ it's like having the power of a trading floor, wherever you are. it's your trade. ♪ ♪ e*trade. ♪ ♪ start trading today at etrade.com
ernie, thanks for being here. you must be a little bit tired because you were in phoenix last night for the championship. >> i was, the n.c.a.a. championships, tarheels of north carolina. >> stephen: absolutely. give it up. there are a lot of games to watch in march madness. 68 teams. how many games, is it 34 games or something like that? >> there are a bunch that first weekend. >> stephen: do you have to watch all of them? >> yes, we do. >> stephen: wow. >> and here's the deal-- and i tell charles and kenny who i work with all the time, when they say, "these hours are so much." i say, "if you had a boss who told you the first two days of the tournament all i want you to do is watch march madness, you would probably sign up for that." so we got to do and it's awesome. it's a lot of homework. there are 68 teams and you're expected to know who all the players are. >> stephen: but you can't possibly know who all the players are. >> no, you can't. >> stephen: how do you-- when a guy makes a play a team you know nothing about, how do you b.s. your way through-- not that you ever without would-- but how
does an announcer b.s. his way through a player he doesn't know jack about. >> i would say there are certain fallback lines. if you don't know who the backup guard for south dakota state is -- >> stephen: will farber? >> it's him. you can say he shoots the three ball, he's not real quick but, of course, has good handles. if you say it with conviction, they'll be like, "he knows everybody on that team. >> stephen: i did not follow that at all. did not follow that at all. who did you have gihad north carolina. >> stephen: you have north carolina in your bracket? >> that's going to sound phony. the week before the tournament, i was all about oregon, and they lost one of their best players, and i said when i fill out my bracket, i'm going north carolina. it was the only team i had left by the time it got there, so i did not win my pool. >> stephen: did you say you filled out your bracket a week before the championship? >> no, i predicted oregon a
week-- no, before the tournament started not a week -- >> stephen: i thought you said a week ago you filled it out. and i thought, of course, anybody can do that. >> i don't know what the big problem is. i fill it out as i go. i never missed one? >> stephen: you host "inside the nba" on t.n.t. you have barkley, you have shaq, you have kenny smith. those are big personalities. are you like camp counselor? how do you control that group of people? you're the host but they're pretty powerful personalities. >> it's been camp counselor. it's been point guard. it's been traffic cop. and i think that's a real insult to real traffic cops because-- especially in this city, if you- - you know, if a traffic cop is trying to make sure nothing happens in the intersection, everybody gets through. i'm like the rogue traffic cop. i wave kenny through the intersection, knowing full well shaq will t-bone him. so that's -- >> stephen: shaq is actually a big guy. >> if i were an actual traffic cop i would have desk duty or something at this point.
>> stephen: shaq must be sort of hard to wrangle. he's a big personality. >> he's the world's biggest kid. i get to-- i get to work with these guys. i grew up with two older sisters. this is as close as i'll ever come to having brothers. and we all treat each other that way. but shaq is just a big, huge kid, and he's all about youtube. you know, it's 15 seconds before we go on half time, and he's got some kind of music playing in front of him, and he's got his phone out, and he's singing something. he says, "ernie, sing this verse with me. it will get like two billion you tube hits." i play along with him at times. but he is. he's just-- they all three are wonderful. and shaq is just-- you know, the world's biggest kid. >> stephen: you have a new book "unscripted: the unpredictable moments that make life extraordinary." what do you mean about the unpredictable moments?
what are some of the examples in your own life that have made your life extraordinary? >> i've tried to write the script and i think, you know, for a long time-- you know, i married a beautiful woman, cheryl. we've been married for almost 35 years now. ( applause ) thank you. and i-- i really-- i outkicked my coverage big time. so i had this beautiful wife and a great job and we had eric, who is here tonight. he's sitting somewhere. he's 32 years old, my first-- there he is right there. ( applause ) and so i had a boy and a girl and a great wife and a great job, and that's exact let's way i scripted it. but then the unscripted happens, and my wife sees a special about romanian orphans in 1990, and she says, "we should adopt one of those kids." she goes to romania, adopts little boy, who is eventually diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. so now that the script that we had written, it goes totally
unscripted. and a lot of kids don't get out of their teens when they got m.d. he's 28 years old now. he's a miracle. ( applause ) and his name is michael. and we adopted a little girl from paraguay. and we adopted two girls out of foster care about seven or eight years ago because my wife-- see, look, my wife is the world-- i'm a sportscaster, stephen. she's the world changer. she's the one who works with addicted women. she's the one who fights child sex trafficking and says a lot of girls age out of foster care and get lured into that. let's adopt one. we adopted two. it's these unscripted moments that we don't run away from. we embrace them, and it makes our life worthwhile. >> stephen: that's beautiful. thank you so much, ernie. >> it's been my pleasure. >> stephen: thanks so much for being here. "unscripted" is on sale now. ernie johnson jr., everybody! we'll be right back with a
but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. now i have nicoderm cq. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. every great why needs a great how. itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. we have this need to peek over our neighbor's fence. and once we do, we see wonder waiting. every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. so, the question you asked me. what is the key? it's you. everything in one place, so you can travel the world better.
no. here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. backed by the service and security of american express. youa car that can seeltima.ses with no what you can't. and the new 2017 nissan rogue.
a car that could help stop--- for you. take on the unexpected. nissan rogue and altima, with available intelligent safety shield technologies. so if you have a sink, and the ship is sinking, is it a sinking sink? scrubbing bubbles toilet gel, freshens and cleans with every flush. spend less time cleaning, and more time thinking about the important things. sc johnson ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. "for great skin, you don't have ...just go to bed." new aveeno®... ...positively radiant® overnight facial. get the benefits of a spa facial... ...overnight. aveeno®. "naturally beautiful results®"
live-streat the airport.e sport, binge dvr'd shows, while painting your toes. on demand laughs, during long bubble baths. tv on every screen is awesome. the all-new xfinity stream app. all your tv at home. the most on demand, your entire dvr, top networks, and live sports on the go. included with xfinity tv. xfinity the future of awesome.
>> stephen: here performing "ballad of the dying man," please welcome back to the show, father john misty! ♪ naturally the dying man wonders to himself: ♪ has commentary been more lucid than anybody else? ♪ and had he successively beaten back the rising tide ♪ of idiots, dilettantes, and fools ♪ on his watch while he was alive ♪ lord, just a little more time
♪ oh, in no time at all this'll be the distant past ♪ ooh ♪ so says the dying man once i'm in the box ♪ just think of all the overrated hacks running amok ♪ and all of the pretentious, ignorant voices that will go ♪ unchecked the homophobes, hipsters, and 1% ♪ the false feminists he'd managed to detect ♪ oh, who will critique them once he's left?
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sigourney weaver, the hosts of "pod save america," and a special appearance by steve martin. now stick around for james corden and his guests claire danes, christine baranski, and jack mcbrayer. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show